Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Entering Orvo

Orvo has three main points of entry, all of which require diligence and sharp wits to navigate:

1. The Southern Entrance, which is marked by a plethora of "This Way to Las Vegas" and "Are You Sure You Wouldn't Rather Go to Vegas?" signs. This entrance's attractions include a mall with a built-in cinema that allows you to view films for roughly the equivalent of a week's groceries. This is also the most efficient place to view the diverse subcultures that Orvo has to offer.*

This is also the district of Orvo where you are most likely to hear gunshots in broad daylight.** Keep your windows rolled up and blast threatening music to give yourself a more intimidating aura; when all else fails, take refuge under the bridge and carefully make your way across the tracks to safety.

2. The Western Entrance, which is marked by Orvo's two greatest social arenas: UVU and Wal-Mart. This is also the beginning of Insurance Claim Parkway, which merges onto Insurance Claim Avenue near the Southern Entrance. These sister streets are perhaps the most perilous areas of Orvo that a visitor will need to navigate. When citizens need to locate policemen, they check these streets before they call 911. The accounts of near-fatal left turns and pedestrian dodges are legendary, and mostly caused by California natives ogling the snow.

The best coping strategy we can offer for these streets is to never make a left turn on them. Just continue making right turns until a dizzying and frankly illogical spiral leads you into the heart of Orvo itself.

3. The Northern Entrance, which is relatively tame compared to the other two. It originates in the mountains and is constantly patrolled by cops who have nothing better to do than to make sure no one with unclean thoughts or an imperfect driving record is allowed to enter Orvo proper. Also, this area can be spectacularly treacherous in winter, as it is almost never plowed.

We recommend practicing virtuous expressions and tripling your snow chains on your tires. If you get pulled over anyway, your best hope is to claim that you are late to give a talk in Sacrament meeting.***

* A more detailed guide to Orvo's subcultures will follow, but for now be aware that these include disaffected students of two varieties: the catastrophically chipper BYU students and the catastrophically shoulder-chipped UVU students.

** Does not apply during hunting or election seasons.

*** May be less effective Mon. - Sat. Or if you have a Flying Spaghetti Monster visible.

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