Tuesday, 3 March 2009


As stated in Wikipedia,

"Wild deer (and less frequently, cougars and moose) still roam the mountains (and occasionally the city streets)."

"Wow," you might say, "Wow, are they talking about Africa or something?"

No, dear reader, you would be wrong. They are referring to our very own backyard. That's right: all these wonderful, wild, and weird wenizens of the wilderness can be found RIGHT HERE IN ORVO! Whether you glimpse these majestic creatures in their natural habitat, or run one down with your SUV/pick-up/minivan, an encounter with Orvo wildlife can be an extremely rewarding (if at times messy and damaging to your front bumper) experience.

As anyone who has frequented the front lawn of the MTC at three in the morning can tell you, the wild things of Orvo are shy, beautiful creatures with a penchant for diving in front of motor vehicles at random, though remarkably inconvenient, times. Here at Orvo: The Guide, we have compiled a mini-guide for dealing with the stress and chaos of those times when NATURE ATTACKS: (printable version coming soon)

a mini-guide brought to you by
ORVO: The Guide

Part I: So you've hit something.
This can be a very confusing moment. What did you hit? Is it dead? Is it endangered? Is it edible? These thoughts, and more, will without a doubt be buzzing in your mind like the hordes of WNV-y* mosquitos flocking to the still-bleeding carcass of whatever you ran down in your minivan on That One Street. Remain calm, take a deep breath and a sip of Xango or something, and pull your copy of Orvo: NATURE ATTACKS: the miniguide from your glove compartment.

Step 1: Check if it's still alive. Don't touch it, for gosh's sake! If possible, angle your rearview mirrors to reflect the mangled remains. Is it moving? If the movements are slight and sporadic, it might still be alive. That, or you messed the poor thing up so bad its nerves are still reacting to the impact. Way to go, you stupid Californian. If the crushed carrion is out of sight and NOT under your car, leave it. Drive/run away. It's probably a female or protected or something and there's no way it's worth the ticket you'll be slapped with when your friendly neighborhood Orvish law enforcement officer realizes that you've been following this poor creature for miles, waiting for it to take that one teeeeeny step into your lane so you can finally take out that cheeky squirril. If it IS under your car, turn your car OFF. The heat from the undercarriage will cook the roadkill unevenly, and we Orvites know this: there is nothing sadder than poorly-cooked roadkill (Extra Orvo points: try your car-cass roasted, with potatoes and fry sauce, for a more local flavor!)

Step 2: Check for damage to your vehicle. As an Orvite, or even a visitor to our beloved region, your car is your life. It is your friend, your dear, dear companion. You fill it full of imported fuel! You put those exquisite yellow stickers on the back! Your FAMILY is there, in stick-figure form, plastered to the rear window in a neat little row! Perhaps this darting foe, this feral product of an unforgiving environment, has sullied your kin with its foul, wild blood! Check thoroughly for dents, scratches, and entrails before moving on to Part II.

Part II: Where do I GO from here?.
If your vehicle has been disabled, don't panic. It's just a car. At least you're okay, right? If you're not, please proceed to Part III.
Hitchhiking in Orvo is very, very safe, as our town is full of wholesome, good ol' folks with the best of intentions. That being said, you should not attempt the thumber's way if you are alone, female, 18 or younger, rather short, are without hearing/psychic powers, or are/have ever been human.
You might want to get your car out of the blood-spattered crime scene which you have made that particular part of That One Road. There are a few tow truck companies which you can trust not to report you to the proper authorities, but you'll have to look under "Florists-Forklifts" if you want to find them in the phonebook.

Part III: Dealing with the Physical and Emotional Aftermath of a Natural Attack.
If you're hurt, seek medical attention immediately. I mean...seriously.
If you've been emotionally damaged by this, go back to California.

This has been a public service informative from ORVO: The Guide.

While in Orvo, enjoy our local critters! There are few things more rewarding than teaching your children about animals by viewing them in their natural habitat, and perhaps learning a few things yourself!
Traveller's Tip: Arctic Circle has the best fry sauce. If you're travelling on a budget, go through the drive-thru and order waters, then ask for the sauce at the window.

*West Nile Virus. Orvo's got it. Don't get it.

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