Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Orvo Nightlife

The Orvo nightlife is a flighty thing. Visitors should be aware that, should they go out looking for a party, they will undoubtedly fail to find it. Instead, we recommend that the uninitiated practice the same kind of willful ignorance that Douglas Adams touted in Life The Universe and Everything, and follow this advice: "Your only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye."

If you are the brave sort who wishes to hunt Orvo for nocturnal adventures, A and I have two recomendations that may aid your endeavors:

1. The Historic Mall, on Provo Center St. A and I were wandering past blocks of darkened windows and closed stores when we just happened upon a dance being held here during the witching hour, which may explain why we are no longer sure exactly where it is. It can't be found through Google, either, but I swear that was the name printed on the flyers that littered the ground as we stepped inside. The dance was a Latin one, full of energetic rhythms and Spanish lyrics.*

A and I felt distinctly out-of-place, given our traditional Orvo winter attire: sweaters, coats, and caps. Not to mention our--or rather, my--clearly proper-English-white-girl dance moves. A can move her hips like a natural, while I was just thrilled when I could manage to move at all (I tried rolling up my sweater sleeves to give me more freedom, but I only ended up looking like a body-building sheep). No one made fun of me, though--or if they did, it was all in Spanish too advanced for me to grasp (a mercy which was greatly appreciated).**

2. Spark, a pseudo-bar/restaurant located at 86 N. University Ave. This establishment is of particular interest because it is one venue that will almost certainly remain unique to Orvo...because it is unlikely to thrive anywhere outside of Orvo. Patrons are welcome to lounge on trendy furniture and enjoy the dim lighting while sipping pricey drinks with exotic names, but none of the offered drinks are alcoholic.

The lounge has a nice atmosphere to complete your safe drinking experience. We assume the wall consisting of one woman's eyes and eye-themed jewelry constantly staring at you (no matter where you sit)would be far more unnerving if it were witnessed through an intoxicated haze, and we think patrons will appreciate that. We also think patrons will appreciate the balcony, which allows single, attractive young women to sip their virginis and chat without ever becoming aware that a pack of single, attractive young men sipping Japanese beer-shaped soda bottles are sharing virtually the same space, with only 3 inches of balcony floor to prevent them from mingling.***

We are developing increasingly effective ways to thwart the Orvo Effect,and hope to provide you with more friendly (and safe!) advice to aid your search for Orvish entertainment in the near future. Until then, happy (and safe!) hunting!

*A and Jessica Rabbit accept absolutely no responsibility for the Orvo Effect, which may make it impossible for readers to locate this event, or even the building it was held in.

**A and Jessica Rabbit accept absolutely no responsibility if the patrons of this event are not as forgiving of your dance moves, or lack thereof.

***This really happened.

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