Friday, 5 June 2009

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcasting

It has come to our attention that there are people out there who devote some time to reading this guide; and, after resuscitating ourselves from the initial shock with a few sips of Coke (don't tell our mothers), we are resolved to endeavor to bring those valued readers more posts with something approaching consistency.

That said, it is our pleasure to present:
Orvo in Summertime: A Few (Namely Two) Handy Tips
1. Weather Concerns:
Visitors to Orvo often remark on the variety and sheer amount of sunscreen that is available. Rest assured that the rumors have not been exaggerated: Orvo is constantly stocked with suncreens, mostly of the SPF 80 variety. This is largely due to the population of Orvo, which is almost entirely composed of people of the more pasty skin type. However, the sunscreens are also almost necessary for survival--not because of the brutal Western sun, which is at its most lethal from 8:00 am - 8:00 pm, but because of the equally uncomfortable dryness of the environment. Approximately 50% of Orvo's water supply is sucked directly out of the air by high-pressured vacuums and used by private citizens to maintain lawns that were never meant to thrive in anything remotely resembling Orvo's terrain. The remaining 50% is the private property of Seven Peaks, the local water park (although I have heard that they are willing to rent water to customers who appear at the east entrance after midnight and whisper, "Lagoon-A-Beach is a giardia fest," three times). Given these conditions, a thick slathering of sunscreen can serve a dual purpose: protecting from the sun while sealing in precious moisture.*

2. Activities
Let's be honest here. Orvo's brutal summer temperatures are not conducive to activities of any sort. Frankly, that's the REAL reason all of the students leave for the summer, reducing Orvo's population by approximately 90%. The best way to endure Orvo summers is to take advantage of the mandatory food storage that can be found secreted away somewhere on all Orvish properties and stay indoors for the next 4 months. If you MUST venture outside, we recommend using sunscreen (2-3 bottles) and then lying facedown on the concrete to reduce exposure and to conserve energy. Don't bother considering a destination; you'll never reach it anyway.

Barring that, there are two native Orvish activities you may wish to attempt. First, you may wish to ride tandem bicycles. You may be thinking, "Aren't those archaic, impractical things that were only good for something in the '40's, and then only because they inspired lots of sentimental songs?" The answer is yes, of course.

But the tandem bicycle is the transportation of choice in Orvo, particularly for young couples who wish to prove their undying affection by riding an unwieldy, yellow mutant bicycle under the afternoon sun while trying to avoid any sign of sweat because FOR GOODNESS' SAKE SWEAT IS JUST UNATTRACTIVE. Hem. Excuse me; I believe I've been out in the sun too long.

If proving your love through restrained physical activity doesn't interest you, you might also try visiting Seven Peaks. It is only fair to warn the innocent visitor, however, that the park reserves most of its water supply for the ice skating rink, and depends on the mirage effect to convince its patrons that there is actual water in the pools.

Because we at Orvo: The Guide care only for your welfare, we strongly urge summer visitors to curl up inside with a good proselyting pamphlet and a cool mocktail and wait until September or so before trying anything strenuous.

*Works best if the layer of sunscreen is thick enough to prevent any skin from showing and if you avoid touching anything while wearing it.

1 comment:

Laura said...

I approve of this blog and its guide to Orvo. Thank you for enlightening me.